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Who made you judge?

When Mama Linda refused to correct her child for screaming and losing control at the supermarket it was because she was a bad mother and she is one of those modern day mothers who are spoiling children but when it was your child screaming and losing control it was because your child was tired and hungry that day and s/he is usually well behaved

When Mama Nkechi got a maid to help around the house with work it was because she was a lazy woman and did not know how to manage her home properly but when it was your turn to get a maid it was because you had a business to run and you needed ‘assistance’ when you could not get home in time to sort the children out.

When Mama Lola had her baby through surgery it was because she was not a ‘real’ woman and maybe she was probably more concerned about maintaining her figure than having a normal delivery like every strong woman out there BUT when you had to have a surgery for your third child it was because your baby was not getting much food or oxygen.

When Mama Bimpe had her baby and was bottle feeding instead of exclusively breastfeeding you automatically assumed she did not care for her newborn baby but when you had to bottle feed your own baby it was because you had to resume work soon and needed to get your baby used to bottle before you resume.

When Mama Ehi’s child got an F on a test, you automatically assumed it was because Ehi was lazy and didn’t care to study for it. But when your own child got an F on another test, it was because the teacher didn’t teach the class well and the questions were way too hard for their level.

Did you notice a pattern?

When something bad happened to others, you attributed it to their personality.

Can’t control her child so she is a bad modern day parent? She got a maid because she is lazy. She had a Caesarian because she is too vain. Her child failed because he didn’t study well. I can go on and on about how we are quick to judge people – even more frustrating is the judgment from one woman to another who you expect to understand.

Little did you know that Mama Linda’s out of control child had a medical condition that made the child constantly hyperactive. That Mama Nkechi got a maid because she had to wake up early to beat traffic, leaving the house between 5:45 a.m and returning at 8 p.m every day so as to support her husband whose business is not bringing in much financially. That Mama Lola had a surgery because her last baby was an emergency surgery and the chances of a normal birth would risk hers and her baby’s life. That Mama Bimpe had an inverted nipple and her baby struggled to get breast milk so had to opt for bottle feeding so he does not lose any more weight. And that Mama Ehi’s son had an F because his eyesight was bad and no one knew in time how it affected him in class.

Yet when these same bad events happened to you, you attributed them to situational factors outside of your control. You did NOT attribute these events to your personality like you did for all the other mamas.

It’s hard not to judge because we all truly want to believe that we are making the right decisions, the best decisions, the only decisions, for our children. And we are. We are making those decisions for our children, not anyone else’s.

So, mums, let’s all remember that although we are all in this crazy game together, we all need rules that work for us and our situation even if they look odd to someone else. Judging people quickly is an easy trap to fall into and affects your ability to show empathy to someone’s plight. If you can’t be nice then at least be quiet.

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