I just thought to share this as I know that there are people out there dealing with worse cases. Not many people know of this traits (passive aggression). It is simply a trait where one can not express anger and it is bottled up. The anger or resentment is then expressed in other ways making your spouse clueless as to what they have done.

This is a true story of a friend living with a passive aggressive husband. I used to think I had a difficult husband till I heard her own dilemma. She finally opened up to talk to someone about it. She grew up thinking that issues in marriage should never be discussed with a third party as it can cause a divide in the relationship, so she kept it to herself all these years while we her friends kept on believing that she had the perfect marriage.

Some have been lucky to get a turn around in their better half but others are not so lucky and are either living with depression or have had to get a separation.

She had been married 6 years before she realized her husband was passive aggressive. She was emotionally drained and frustrated especially as she did not know what she was dealing with initially. Now she feels cheated and disappointed that she has thrown her life away to a marriage that gave her nothing in return.

Every day for the last 8 years of her marriage she just wanted to leave her husband. But for the stigma. For the sake of family, church community and friends she endured. She was afraid of being labelled a ”failure” as she could not make her marriage work. She was afraid she would be punished by God for even dreaming to leave as she is from a christian family. She tried all she could to be the ”perfect” wife to make things work just to save face.

Maybe, if she was more loving. Maybe if she put his needs above hers – after all marriage was about compromise. She took the blame for everything. It must have been her fault for him acting the way he is acting now. He never used to be like that.

The ”Perfect” Start of a Relationship

When Sarah first met her husband Dare (names have been changed to hide their identity), he was the perfect gentleman. You know the kind you see and you just feel like you connect on so many levels. He was loving and eager to please her. He always let her have her way and she always won the few arguments they had.

Life was going on smoothly or so she thought. She had not really noticed any changes until she decided to take time off work to raise their 2 children. That was when it all started…

After the first 5 years of her marriage, she began to feel lonely and unhappy. She was afraid to share her fears with anyone since she was sure she may be the problem. If she had opened up to me then, I would have said she was crazy as we could see from the outside thatDare loved her very much and would give up anything for her.

It was at this stage she started noticing his passive aggressive traits, but she could not put a name to it as she had never heard of the disorder before. Her husband came from a dysfunctional family and she felt lucky that he was ‘different’ from them. Now she knows she was totally wrong. What she thought was him being cool and calm was actually him being cold and calculating.

His Cruel traits just fits the description
Dare was easily frustrated which he blamed the pressure at work (mind you he was self employed). He would get angry when she did something he thought was the wrong way but he would never talk about it. He became distant. It was her fault that his business was not progressing. It was her fault that he has not fulfilled his life goals. It was her fault that he drank too much. It was ALL her fault.

Sarah tried to talk to her husband about the changes she had noticed in him that was making her unhappy, but it was never the right time to discuss anything. As far as he was concerned she was to demanding of him.

He always talked her down, criticized her. In his head he was the perfect person. Only him knew how to do things right.

The constant lies were frustrating. He would lie about everything and his excuse was that he did not want to hurt her or put her through any trouble when in truth he was actually afraid of what she might say. He never discussed issues relating to their finances, how the money coming in was being spent. He would lie about little things that he did not even need to lie about. It was just a habit with him. She had become so paranoid with his lies that If he told her that the sky was blue, she would have to think about it and wonder why he has made that observation and what he is scheming.

He would never keep to promises he had made. She only then came to realize that the so-called promises he made was just to get her off his back. Whenever she expressed a need or desire, he would promise to do more, saying he loved her and only wanted her to be happy, but he would never follow through on the promise or even take any action to show that he had taken her complaints on board.

All the time she supposedly got her way with him or won any arguments, it was because he was afraid of confrontation and would just give in. Communication with him was one-sided with her doing all the talking and him doing all the listening.

Sarah bore all of this and more. He had hit her once in anger and she was so sure she would leave him, but how does she tell her friends and family that her perfect marriage is going up in flames.

She started reading self-help books to help improve her marriage and make her a better person and that was when she stumbled upon the word passive aggressive. Her husband was all of it. Now she knew she was not crazy and that was when she told me about all she had been going through. I was in shock.

I asked her to speak to her husband about it and if possible give him an ultimatum to make changes or she would leave him.

She has spoken to him about it and they are going through therapy together. Although she has read a lot of negative experiences about how people with passive aggressive traits don’t change but things seem to be looking up and we are praying for the best.

Just like my friend Sarah, many are going through this sick kind of relationship called Marriage. Living in fear of being labelled, dying in silence and wilting away. Loss of self-esteem, loss of self worth.

My advice for this kind of problem or any marital problem at all would be to protect your dignity and self worth at all cost. Keep your friends and family close to you at trying times. I would rather the world judge me than for me to kill myself with depression trying to change a husband on my own. Most importantly seek help. Any help is better than none at all.