The reason you may be having trouble resolving your issues is TIMING and PLACE.
The right timing and place are important for resolving problems that both parties can be satisfied with. If something is bothering you and you would like to have a serious conversation about it, make sure you pick the right time to talk and the right atmosphere where both of you are relaxed . A lot of times we try to resolve our issues when we are angry (or hungry), you need to unlearn that. Never try to resolve issues in the heat of the moment.
Find your own rhythm. For me, I follow the 48 hour rule. If I am really angry and vibrating from the thought of what has happened, I wait for a while to calm down before I talk about it. If after 48hrs I still feel angry then I say something.
Some people are lucky to have a spouse who understands their moods and quirks, many others are not so lucky as just a little attempt to bring up an issue can cause the other to blow up. If you fall in this category, these may be helpful,
1. Think ahead about what you want to say. Repeat it in your head as much as possible. Find somewhere private and say what you want to say out loud. How does it sound to you? How would you feel if the situation were reversed and you were hearing this for the first time?
2. Think about the situation and the real reason you got so angry. Was it how they spoke to you or something they did? Was it more than just not helping with the kids or the idea that he is taking advantage and leaving all the work for you? Is it more than just doing the chores or the fact that he thinks its a woman’s job and never is considerate enough to help. Figure out the real problem then think about how to explain your feelings.
3. If it helps, write a list of the things you want to cover during the conversation, this can help you stay on track and focus on realistic solutions.
4. Expressing your feelings is fine, but finesse is important. Don’t just pounce on him, hands on the waist as soon as he gets in the door. or use sarcastic remarks when they ask for something simple. He asks ‘Please when is dinner going to be ready’ and your response is ‘am I your slave?’ You know those remarks and it just puts him on the defensive.
5. If possible, let them know in advance that you want to talk to them later. Send them a text, call them and ask them when they will be willing to talk. This helps to prepare them mentally.
A healthy and happy marriage requires skillful negotiation: Sometimes you do it your way, and other times you do it your spouse’s way. Or you can also end up with a solution that’s somewhere in the middle. You can even agree to disagree about how to resolve an annoying issue and just let it go. But most importantly, humor is key. Keep things light, laugh over it and just move on.